Finally … the leap forward car insurers have been waiting for.

Early today, officials with the FDOT* announced the official release of 3 tech-driven car inventions** aimed at producing the single most insurable automobile in history.

But, despite excitement from automakers, there’s been significant public backlash over the lack of testing surrounding these car inventions.

“The FDOT operates under the most rigorous testing standards possible,” said lead FDOT spokesperson and crackpot inventor, Ray Cooglestone. “But we had cupcakes catered in the break room last week, so, hey, we all got pretty distracted.” Asked to elaborate, Cooglestone could only shake nervously while muttering about “red velvet.”

Though we’re a little skeptical, we at Esurance — due to our unabashed love for safe driving, tech breakthroughs, and fantastical sci-fi — are always excited to hear about new innovations.

In honor of April 1, a day, ahem, well known for creative ideas, here’s the skinny on the 3 newest car inventions that will lead us to the über-insurable ride (and are only a slight threat to topple the galaxy).

1. The Motor Mouth™ Speed Reducer

Sure, your speedometer uses brightly lit digits to show when you’re speeding. But simply knowing doesn’t always make you stop. And since speeding tickets often increase your insurance rates and lead to costly claims, we need a surefire way to eliminate them.

Meet the Motor Mouth Speed Reducer. This sardonic robot personality (like HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey, but stuck on “Don Rickles” mode) is hardwired into your dashboard to alert you when you’re speeding — plus a whole lot more.

Deterrent methods can include:

  • Burying you under a mountain of stats: “Speeding is a factor in one-third of fatal accidents.”
  • Picking away at you with well-placed passive aggression: “Funny, my last owners never tried to prove how cool they were by driving fast.
  • Bashing you with insults: “I hate your knees. You’re also speeding, dope.”

The Motor Mouth Speed Reducer is guaranteed to slow you down, even if you’re left sobbing under your Wayfarers and really wanting to call your mom.

2. The PermaGarage™ Anti-Theft Shield

Insurers love drivers with garages. They keep your car away from prying eyes — and, more importantly, hands. Unfortunately, you can’t stay home forever. This means removing your car from its safe cocoon and exposing it to the dangerous world outside … or does it?

Not with PermaGarage! A Perma-Garage consists of impenetrable alloy wings that shoot out from your driveshaft and encase your car in a giant lockbox of security at the first sign of trouble. This will ensure that no one can get to (or even see!) your car, and it should whip your insurer into a frenzy of delight.

One quick functionality note: once deployed, the PermaGarage can never be retracted (some call it a “design glitch,” others simply a product that stands by its name). Point being, yes, driving around (and, fine, living) inside a break-in and break-out-proof metal box will be tough. But knowing your vehicle is safe from theft (and getting really good at headlight Morse code) are benefits no motorist could sneeze at.

3. The Crash Test Dummy Courier™

Insurers are always tracking vehicle safety ratings because we care about motorists’ well-being. Fact is, in an underperforming ride, people can be left vulnerable to unnecessary injuries, and that’s enough to keep us tossing and turning all night. Instead of buying a whole new car, however, you could solve this problem the easier way: adding a Crash Test Dummy Courier (CTDC).

Once activated, the CTDC unit, which rests underneath the driver’s seat, generates a brand-new Cyborg into an upright position with hands at 10-and-2. Creepy, yes. Violation of nature, probably. But using it as a courier for your pesky errands (getting coffee, returning library books, etc.) means you can spend less time on the road.

Insurers will rest much easier knowing there’s a hunk of plasma/synthetic polymer/a few more ingredients we’re not really sure of — and not a precious person — inside your creaky caravan.

Do be advised, however, if your “Dummy” begins outperforming you at work, sending your spouse candied walnuts, and generally phasing out your identity, seek repairs immediately.

More car inventions for the modern world

On the off-chance you don’t want to be the first to try this batch of car inventions (versions 2.0 will have way fewer kinks, anyway), you have other options.

Check out new innovations from the 2014 Detroit Auto Show for slightly more practical (and real) tech tools.

Or, discover video appraisal, the latest modern tool from Esurance that helps speed up your claim by letting you video chat in real time with an appraiser

Oh, and also: Happy April Fools’ Day!

*Fake Department of Transportation. So fake.
**Not actually in existence. Stop writing that protest letter to your congressman.

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about Alex

As copywriter for Esurance, Alex had professional experience in everything from film to literature to (thanklessly!) correcting the grammar in friends' emails. As a fervent Minnesota sports fan, he spends most of his non-writing time gently weeping into cereal bowls.