Last season, we set out to see if Super Bowl insurance was a viable product. Based on calculated research and feedback, the answer was a resounding “no.” Although those really big Giants and impassioned Patriots were planning on taking over living rooms across the land (Nielsen estimated 111.3 million people watched), we agreed that, while not necessarily viable, this insurance could be extremely valuable.
But hold the smartphone. This year, it’s different. As Jim Harbaugh’s San Francisco 49ers take on John Harbaugh’s Baltimore Ravens, Super Bowl insurance could be more valuable than ever, protecting you from sibling rivalry and brotherly “whomp whomp” moments during the game.
It could also keep you safe from big birds (let’s call them Ravens) that tend to enjoy dive-bombing your onion dip or cheese empanada platter. And what if your heavily bearded uncle shows up to your Super Bowl party dressed as Sourdough Sam (aka Sam, Sammy, Samster, Sammiester, Samarama)? This could most certainly be devastating to any party during this de facto American national holiday.
Despite these (totally valid) risks, most Americans will persevere. If they’re not lucky enough to be at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, they’ll carve out a mere 8 hours of their weekend and localize their brood in front of the National Football League’s crowning jewel of a spectacle. They’ll scream, they’ll shout, and they’ll let it all out. Too bad there’s no way of insuring they don’t do anything stupid.
Or is there?
What could be covered by Super Bowl 2013 insurance*
Super Bowl insurance could* (could**) cover damage from party-related messes, tomfoolery, and the occasional bout of absurdity.
It could also protect you against:
- People doing weird bird-inspired dances after touchdowns
- Too much Brie and not enough bratwurst
- Vince Lombardi look-alikes
- Extemporaneous recitations of a certain Edgar Allan Poe opus
- Tear-filled motivational speeches in preparation of hard tackles
- Oversized official coin flip incidents
- Counterfeit tickets
- Missed field goals
- Unnecessary puns such as “Harbowl” or “Bro Bowl” or “SuperBaugh”
- A room full of people kissing their biceps
- The lack of Mannings being interviewed
- Gumbo on your loafers
- 62-dollar official Super Bowl T-shirts
- Elvis Grbac leaving the building
- Two words: Bourbon Street
Of course, Super Bowl insurance doesn’t really exist, which means you’re on your own for Super Bowl XLVII. But if you’re planning to host a pigskin soiree, keep this list of potential Super Bowl blunders handy during the big game to help protect you and your loved ones from party fouls.
*Super Bowl insurance is still not available in all states. In fact, Super Bowl insurance is not available in any state. If Super Bowl insurance did exist, some restrictions would likely apply.
**Esurance does not underwrite or pay claims for any Super Bowl insurance policies (as if!).