How are you? I am fine. I’m sure you’ve been getting a lot of mail lately. And I bet those elves of yours are all revved up on gingerbread as they work double-time, enduring paper cuts from wish lists as long as I-80 and migraines from translating crayon drawings. It can’t be easy stashing toys under millions of trees in just one night (let alone climbing out of all the chimneys. And how do you get into apartments? I have so many questions.). But Santa, kids aren’t the only ones with holiday hopes and dreams.
You might have noticed I Polar Expressed this letter straight to your front door. It was expensive, but I didn’t want it to get lost among all the drummers drumming and pipers piping. I think I deserve a gift this year. I passed my 60,000 mile checkup with flying colors, and my “Check Engine” light hasn’t gone on once!
Contrary to popular gift-giving lore, I do not want to smell like cherries or have a fancy bath. No, I’m hoping for something different. In my travels to work or Grandmother’s house, I’ve seen a lot of Carstaches. That’s right, they’re moustaches for car grilles. And, as a car, I can assure you this is just what I need.
I spend a lot of time outdoors. I don’t mean to brag, but … I’m pretty brave. I’ll go face-first into snow, I can handle dust like a champ, and even though I hate going out in the storm, I’m tough enough to do it safely. I even have 2 Rudolph-inspired lights to help other cars see me in the dark.
You and that snowman buddy of yours understand how cold it can get out there. Maybe not as cold as the North Pole, but still chilly enough to make it hard for me to do my job. I’m looking for something to keep me warm — something functional, yet stylish. (Please do not send UGGs.) I need some pizzazz! Something to take that on-ramp by the horns and announce, “Hey drivers! Don’t get all up in this grille!”
Do you hear what I hear? I need a Carstache, Santa. And I’m not alone. Holland sported tons of Carstaches during the 2010 World Cup. And Lyft, the popular “on-demand ride-sharing” app in San Francisco (My hometown! Do you like sourdough bread?) uses the pink ones to mark their vehicles.
These Carstaches are the majestic glory of Ethan Eyler’s creativity. Like me, he spent a lot of time daydreaming while he sat in traffic. Ethan quit his 9-5, picked up some fake hair (naturally), and baked a prototype in his own oven to measure the ‘stache’s melting point. He’s sold almost 15,000 of them to date. So Santa, if he’s not already on your Nice List, he should be: He’s the one who thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny if cars had moustaches?” AND THEN DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I’m not asking for much: just 34 inches of weather-resistant faux fur in the shape of a moustache. I can even sweeten the deal with 10 percent off if you buy it online and use the code ESURANCE at checkout before December 25.
Thanks, Santa. If I could high-five you, I would.
The 2005 Honda Civic parked outside Esurance
(PS: I think I’m more of a Wisdom Grey.)