There’s just something about the holiday season that makes us want to believe reindeer really know how to fly. But not all sleighs (or sleigh drivers) are created equal. So we thought we’d take a look at the most insurable and uninsurable of the bunch.
Of course, we’ll start with the Big Guy himself: Jolly Old St. Nick. When Santa got his Esurance quote last year, he fudged the numbers a little (and made it onto his own Naughty List for the first time in history). But we’re willing to forgive him if he comes clean this year.
The “nice”: Santa did have a couple of minor comprehensive claims this year, but they were weather-related (things can get pretty dicey in the North Pole). And that collision with Blitzen turned out to be all B’s fault. So overall, we’re looking at a pretty clean record.
The “naughty”: Though Santa’s driving record isn’t too bad, his exorbitant annual mileage (24,906 miles a year) does put him at a higher risk of accident. Plus, he drives his sleigh while hopped up on cookies — so speeding could definitely be an issue.
The verdict: Nice. With 9 reindeer co-pilots to keep him on course and a sprinkling of merry magic to prevent accidents, our insurance experts deem Santa a pretty low risk to insure.
You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. But does that mean you’re a bad driver too? Let’s look at the facts.
The “nice”: If his reaction to the festivities in Whoville is any indication, the Grinch does not like loud music. Since he won’t be blasting Christmas carols or Top 40 hits in the sleigh, we can give him a point for avoiding distracted driving.
The “naughty”: While music might not distract our mischievous friend, his singular focus on destroying Christmas could take away from his focus on the road (other distractions include shoes that are too tight and a head that’s not screwed on right). Not to mention, the Grinch lives way up high on Mt. Crumpit, which means he has to contend with mountain roads and icy driving conditions.
The verdict: Naughty. Though the Grinch (SPOILER ALERT) does come around in the end, his pre-existing heart condition could preclude him from being a licensable driver at all. After all, his heart starts 2 sizes too small, which means he may not be getting enough blood to his brain, and then swells 3 sizes in one day (get this guy to a cardiologist, stat).
The White Witch
Best known for her work in The Chronicles of Narnia, the Queen of Narnia (a.k.a. the White Witch) was responsible for bringing perpetual winter to her queendom.
The “nice”: Uhhh …
The “naughty”: Where to start? The witch’s sleigh only works during the winter, a season that just happens to pose a ton of driving hazards. We’re guessing Old Queenie hasn’t brushed up on her winter driving tips lately either. Then there’s the fact that the White Witch isn’t the most popular person in Narnia. When you’re constantly on the lookout for traitors, your distracted driving level goes way up. And turning creatures to stone may be a super cool trick, but it can also lead to accidents when the driver in front of you is suddenly rendered incapable of accelerating due to a lack of working organs. If she rear-ends anyone, it would totally be her fault.
The verdict: Naughty. No contest.
In the interest of not telling fibs (and consequently ending up on the Naughty List), we’ll admit that Esurance doesn’t actually insure sleighs (or sleds or reindeer). But we can help you have a safe holiday season with our winter driving tips (for cars) and salute to designated drivers.